You wish for help but refuse to take it

I probably have the worst coping mechanism people could think of,
it’s a wreaking havoc.

To shut myself completely,
it’s nothing when you think of it.
But when you have a lot of anger inside you,
a lot of sadness,
a lot of thoughts,
a lot of tension,
They crush you deep down wishing to come out,
giving a lot of pressure to your heart that’s already broken.
It cracks a little more.

When something’s bothering you and you know you have no one
to lean, you know you’re doomed.

A pack of cigarettes is like a breeze of wind,
the only thing that give you comfort,
a bottle of your favorite booze,
they taste like consolation.

And one thing that drags you more into this blackhole is that you
know you’re hurting yourself more for being like this,
but you can’t help the delight that these hopeless things could give.

The only something that gives you joy.